So close yet so far away

In a week (plus or minus a day), the Bigelow family will welcome Pancho and Lefty into their lives. The feelings I have about the arrivals swing between such extreme happiness and anxiety that I wonder if I'm going to leave labor and delivery in a straight jacket.

I have this image in my head of maniacal laughter mixed with tears of joy and fear - I just hope that stays at bay in front of the residents. Poor suckers might be doing their only OB rotation and they get to deal with me .

Perhaps one day I will run into one of them at Target and I will say "Hey! You were in the delivery room when I had my twins. Did you go into Obstetrics?" Young resident blushes and looks down and says, "Er, no, that day I decided I was better suited for Orthopedics."

I am being induced Sunday night and hope to have the babies at some point on Monday, August 1st. However, my OB informed me today it could take as long as 48 hours. For the record, I punched her.

For those that know me well, know that I was in labor with Eliza for three days. So my body likes its long labors. I have a gut-wrenching-sinking-suspicion that this is going to be a long labor. Yes, end result will be worth it, but as I stare down three days of labor, I do have a hard time truly accepting the joy.

This time, however, I will get the epidural a lot sooner than last time. I asked for it today at my OB appointment but they told me I had to wait until I was in actual labor. Well that's just ridiculous.

Pete was all over the epidural questions. He wanted to know how soon I could get it. He remembers all to well what it was like to wait for the last one. Sometimes I find him crying in the in the corner of our room, rocking himself, and its because he is having flashbacks of what it was like before I got the epidural with Eliza. He would like it administered as soon as possible.

So next week it will all change. This party of three turns into a party of five. Pray for me and send Pete a lot of liquor.

Don't go breaking my heart

Dear Eliza,

Please don't hate me for bringing two new babies home. My fears of breaking your heart are becoming almost overwhelming. I don' t want you to ever think that the babies are more important than you, but yet, here I am, worried sick over it.

You are emotionally aware of everything around you. You eat up this world with a ferocious appetite for learning. And this is why I'm worried about you. You will notice the difference in our lives, and I know that no matter what we do, it will affect you in a way that I can't change.

Yesterday, on the drive home from daycare, you started in on your "the babies won't eat my toys" speech that you give on a daily basis now. After I told you no, I asked you why you thought that.

Your response broke my heart.

You said, "The babies are going to make me sad and then dadda will give me a hug." I asked you why you thought the babies were going to make you sad and you said, "Because they will."

That's it. You just know you are going to be sad. This kills me.

I realize that I am putting adult emotions on you but I know you are going to be upset. I know it's going to rock your world. But what I hope happens even more is that you fall madly in love with your siblings. That they become your world too.

When your dad and I were deciding to go for the second kid, we talked about our siblings and how life, in all sincerity, would have totally sucked without them. Sure, there were times when we found our siblings to be a bother. But, my darling, I promise you that those thoughts are small in comparison to the ones that make you feel totally complete to have brothers to call when you just need someone to talk to. Especially when you want to bitch about your parents. I promise they are going to follow you around when babies, and seek your advice when they are adults. I promise you that they will comfort you when you are sad and make you laugh.

And I promise you that my enormous love for you will not change.

I love you.

Mamma