What do you want to be when you grow up?

Reflections from a five year old.

Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Lots and lots and lots.

Q: What is your favorite food?
A: Pizza, salad and cake.

Q: What is your favorite toy?
A:  Puzzles.

Q: What is your favorite part of preschool?
A: Snack time and when mommy is there.

Q: Do you like dance or soccer?
A: Soccer because it gives me energies.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: A milliner (yes, you read that right. She wants to make fancy hats when she grows up. For the queen and her brothers).

Q: What does mommy do at work?
A: She goes to meetings and types.

Q: What does daddy do at work?
A: He types on his computer a lot.

Q: What is your favorite part of your day?
A: Playing baby and snack time.

Q: If you had to choose between a Popsicle and Ice Cream, which one would you choose?
A: Both.

Namesake

One of my favorite memories of being pregnant was the day we found out that we were having two boys. It was a very scary day, medically speaking, because the doctors thought we had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome - a very scary disease that only affects identical twins. I had a series of tests that day, so we asked the ultrasound technician to write down the sexes of the babies on a piece of paper so we could open it with Eliza. That night we were all cuddling in bed and Eliza opened up the paper. Pete and I started hooting and laughing. Eliza was so proud of the fact that she opened the paper.

Instantly we knew their names would be Jack and Colin.

Jack Bradbury is named after Pete's grandfather and my father.
Colin Charles is named after Pete's father. The Colin piece is simply a name we love.

That night Pete looked up the meanings of Jack and Colin.

Jack: With God's Grace
Colin: Victorious

From that moment, I knew the boys would be okay. With God's grace, they will be victorious.

And they are.

Out of the mouths of babes

Out of nowhere tonight, Eliza asked me what my dad's name was. I said his name was Brad. She asked where he lived. I told her Heaven. She asked where is Heaven. I told her it was everywhere. Then she asked if he ate his dinner before he went to Heaven.

These are the moments that I want to spontaneously combust as a parent. It is all at once tragic in truth and beautiful in reality. To a 2.5 year old, Heaven is just some place that you go before or after a meal. If we could only boil it down to be that simple, would we be lighter? Would we be less stressed?

I wish I knew, and I wish I had a better answer for that question should she ask again.

Beyond Words

On August 1, 2011, we welcomed Colin Charles Bigelow and Jack Bradbury Bigelow into our lives.

Get prepared for A LOT of cliches.

I will never be the same.

My heart is literally exploding.

I do indeed have enough space in my heart for three children.

My husband is and was my rock.

I'm tired. Really, really tired.

There is nothing like baby smell. Nothing.

And it goes on and on and on...

This pregnancy was not easy. It was an emotional roller coaster filled with doctors appointments and really scary syndromes that come with having identical twins. Every worst case scenario we were presented with knocked us down a morale notch. But with the grace of God, we had two healthy twin boys.

I am grateful beyond words.

Big Sister Eliza is taking it day by day and has her moments that we all expected. Some we didn't, but she is okay. We are all learning to live with our new normal.

Here is a slideshow of the first week of Jack and Colin.

So close yet so far away

In a week (plus or minus a day), the Bigelow family will welcome Pancho and Lefty into their lives. The feelings I have about the arrivals swing between such extreme happiness and anxiety that I wonder if I'm going to leave labor and delivery in a straight jacket.

I have this image in my head of maniacal laughter mixed with tears of joy and fear - I just hope that stays at bay in front of the residents. Poor suckers might be doing their only OB rotation and they get to deal with me .

Perhaps one day I will run into one of them at Target and I will say "Hey! You were in the delivery room when I had my twins. Did you go into Obstetrics?" Young resident blushes and looks down and says, "Er, no, that day I decided I was better suited for Orthopedics."

I am being induced Sunday night and hope to have the babies at some point on Monday, August 1st. However, my OB informed me today it could take as long as 48 hours. For the record, I punched her.

For those that know me well, know that I was in labor with Eliza for three days. So my body likes its long labors. I have a gut-wrenching-sinking-suspicion that this is going to be a long labor. Yes, end result will be worth it, but as I stare down three days of labor, I do have a hard time truly accepting the joy.

This time, however, I will get the epidural a lot sooner than last time. I asked for it today at my OB appointment but they told me I had to wait until I was in actual labor. Well that's just ridiculous.

Pete was all over the epidural questions. He wanted to know how soon I could get it. He remembers all to well what it was like to wait for the last one. Sometimes I find him crying in the in the corner of our room, rocking himself, and its because he is having flashbacks of what it was like before I got the epidural with Eliza. He would like it administered as soon as possible.

So next week it will all change. This party of three turns into a party of five. Pray for me and send Pete a lot of liquor.

Don't go breaking my heart

Dear Eliza,

Please don't hate me for bringing two new babies home. My fears of breaking your heart are becoming almost overwhelming. I don' t want you to ever think that the babies are more important than you, but yet, here I am, worried sick over it.

You are emotionally aware of everything around you. You eat up this world with a ferocious appetite for learning. And this is why I'm worried about you. You will notice the difference in our lives, and I know that no matter what we do, it will affect you in a way that I can't change.

Yesterday, on the drive home from daycare, you started in on your "the babies won't eat my toys" speech that you give on a daily basis now. After I told you no, I asked you why you thought that.

Your response broke my heart.

You said, "The babies are going to make me sad and then dadda will give me a hug." I asked you why you thought the babies were going to make you sad and you said, "Because they will."

That's it. You just know you are going to be sad. This kills me.

I realize that I am putting adult emotions on you but I know you are going to be upset. I know it's going to rock your world. But what I hope happens even more is that you fall madly in love with your siblings. That they become your world too.

When your dad and I were deciding to go for the second kid, we talked about our siblings and how life, in all sincerity, would have totally sucked without them. Sure, there were times when we found our siblings to be a bother. But, my darling, I promise you that those thoughts are small in comparison to the ones that make you feel totally complete to have brothers to call when you just need someone to talk to. Especially when you want to bitch about your parents. I promise they are going to follow you around when babies, and seek your advice when they are adults. I promise you that they will comfort you when you are sad and make you laugh.

And I promise you that my enormous love for you will not change.

I love you.

Mamma

Teenage Girls Scare Me

When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was pretty convinced they were girls. Perhaps because my family has always said I was only going to have girls, or because I had all these weird girl premonitions. But when we found out we were having boys, one of the first things that ran through my head was: "Oh Thank GOD! I don't have to live with three teenage girls at some point in the future."

I wasn't an awful teenager, but I wasn't a model one either. I got into my fair share of trouble, but never arrested or knocked up. Based on those experiences and the online leaps of the past two decades, I'm very, very scared of the 2011 model of a teenage girl.

I know they are not all that bad, but even if they don't fall into the "mean girl" category, they will inevitably be struck with the disease we all know so well: I'm fat, I'm ugly, no one understands me, I hate my hair, and why don't I have a prom date yet. That, mixed with teenage hormones, is a frightening atmosphere to dwell in.

My darling Bean already displays some behaviors that are suspiciously teenage-esue. Let me remind you of her age - 2 years, 4 months.

There are days when you have no idea why she doesn't want to be around you, but she doesn't. She will be happily playing and I will sit down next to her to play. Without looking me in the eye, she says "no momma, you need to go away." UHHH, SERIOUSLY??!!! Did she actually just say that to me?!? I often go into my "DO YOU KNOW WHAT 50 HOURS OF LABOR FEELS LIKE, KID?" rant but then I scale back because it obviously falls on deaf ears. And besides, I'm saving that little gem for a different night - her prom night.

Her recent teenage behavior is "the look." You know the look of a teenager who has just been informed by a parent that her curfew will not be later than 11. Yeah, it's that look.

Par example:


Bean was eating a banana yesterday. She knows she is allowed to eat in the kitchen, or right outside the kitchen if I'm cooking BUT she has to stay on the wood floors. Well, I got the look-on-steroids yesterday when she looked me in the eye and without saying a word, just started putting her little toe on the carpet in the living room. It was a test. She was testing me. The way I tested my mom when I was 16 over far more dramatic things such as spring-break trips and curfews. I sternly said "Bean, if you are going to eat, you have to stay on the hard wood" She would drag her foot back and look at me like I had two heads. Turn my back, and sure enough that little foot was on the carpet and she is staring me straight in the eyes with a look that says "I'm smarter than you and I will get away with this."

In that moment, I saw myself in her and it scared me. A lot.

We have our hands full with her. She is dramatic, testy and impatient. Sound like a teenage girl to you? Exactly! I just described myself at 16, so if she is already displaying these delightful features at 2 years, Pete and I are going to be in need of a few things: a very stocked liquor cabinet, a dial-a-therapist, and really understanding grandparents who will watch her while we vacation.